i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
