so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
