Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
