You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
