Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
