So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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