well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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