I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
