come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
