She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
