Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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