You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
