Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
