Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
