I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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