she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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