i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
