2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
