My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
