This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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