I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
