david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
