He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
