I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
