So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
