He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I can't put those talents on a resume
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
