Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
