I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
