Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
