im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
