I murdered the dance floor call the cops
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
How does one acquire holy water?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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