I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
