I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Randomize
