porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
