The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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