the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize