lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
