Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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