hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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