You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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