I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
