happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize