Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
