Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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