i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I would ride that face into the sunset
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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