I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
