i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
