I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
