I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
