What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
