Sponge bath it is.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
