I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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