Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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