Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
