me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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