He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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