Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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