The maid of honor just puked.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
