If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
