a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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