Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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