Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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