I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
