You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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