All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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