It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
