my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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